Wisdom Through Reflection

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life; and it has nothing to do with not having internet access.  Actually, it's probably good that I've had a break from the blog, from Facebook, the news and every other distraction the internet provides.  I've had plenty of other issues to deal with and it has been tough.  Nevertheless, I have learned quite a few lessons over the past week and I am very thankful for that.  It has been great spending more time with Chris here in Rio.  He's a great listener and I've needed a good listener more than a few times this week.  Not only are some people just better listeners than others, listening is an art, and Chris is an artist.  If you have someone in your life who possesses the ability to really listen, you are quite fortunate.  If that person happens to also be a friend, keep that friend close and make sure they know how much you value their listening skills.  If shrinks are expensive, then true friendship is priceless. 

 

The biggest lesson I learned this week, which I guess is more of a reality, is that I'm getting old.  Most people see me as always being laid back and even-tempered; but, while my patience has grown tremendously since my days of getting banned from classes and suspended from school, I'm still quite capable of getting upset and offended.  I just express those emotions differently because it's usually not worth the effort of an elevated response.  Arguing produces few results and anger can lead you to do or say things you'll later regret.  Disappointment seems to be the most common emotion I experience now, especially in my interactions with people and especially this past week.  Even so, I tend to express my disappointment by shutting down or just taking a break, rather than becoming confrontational.  I have also grown more tolerant and less judgmental.  I try to understand others even when it's difficult.  And I rarely take things personal.  Of course, the fact that I rarely find others who are similar in these aspects often leads to more disappointment.

 

I still get tired of repeating myself or trying to explain myself.  I get frustrated and lose interest in people or things that don't progress or evolve, or if I can no longer see the point in continuing.  That's why I gave up on math, video games and sports.  Why continue to invest more effort into something that offers nothing in return?  Yet, even people who have known me for years come up with these strange ideas and perceptions of who I am, along with their own assumptions about my behavior or motivations.  I don't like having undue expectations placed upon me or having to justify and defend my actions to people who will develop and hold an opinion of me no matter what I say or do.  Once you put the effort into really getting to know me, then you can choose to either accept me for who I am or move on.  But focusing on a romanticized version of how you want me to be and expecting me to turn into that imaginary character is a waste of time and will ultimately end in disappointment, for everyone involved.  I'm not a very complicated person and there are few ways left that I am able, or even willing, to change.  At this point, it's enough for me to simply know who I am and what I want in life.  Besides, we are all different.  Sometimes those differences bring people closer together; sometimes they draw people apart.  It's important to recognize those differences for what they are and not try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, especially if those differences are what ultimately make you incompatible with someone else. 

 

I have already spent too much of my life trying to accommodate other people or make other people feel comfortable, often at great expense.  Even if the same gestures are not extended in kind, it would be nice if my actions and sacrifices were at least acknowledged and not taken for granted.  I have a bad history of being used by other people and taking too long to figure it out.  I've learned that my inability to stop giving, even when I feel taken advantage of, is simply a flawed character trait of mine and one of the reasons I have to occasionally force myself to evaluate situations and question what's going on.  I hate selfishness and it bothers me when people I care about exhibit such behavioral traits or have such attitudes.  But, I can be selfish too and my selfishness is usually in response to my feeling threatened, ignored, or from just trying to protect myself from being disappointed. 

 

I have never claimed to be perfect; I am human.  I have no desire to be perfect because perfection is an impossible goal.  To become more enlightened is all I strive for.  I am content with knowing who I am and accepting who I am, regardless of whether other people know or accept me.  I do not hide who I am, or try to pretend to be someone I'm not.  I'm the most open and honest person I know.  And while some may disagree with my beliefs, my choices, or my actions, I will not change who I am just because someone else thinks doing so would make me a better person.  We all have flaws, issues, and bad habits.  I never want to have the illusion that I am somehow superior to everyone else.  I am Ozell Xianté.  It's as simple as that. 

 

It's much easier to find faults and flaws in other people, but much harder to look in the mirror and acknowledge your own shortcomings.  Apologizing when you don't know what you're apologizing for, or when you don't even believe your own apology, is counterproductive at best.  If you're unable to recognize your own mistakes, even when they're pointed out to you, then you have a long way to go on the road to humility, responsibility and maturity.  Such a critical handicap will always prevent true happiness and become a barrier to healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise.  Self reflection can be difficult, but it is useful and necessary.  It helps to spend more time with people who actually care enough about you to call you out when you cross boundaries, or when you exhibit too much pride or arrogance.  But if you completely dismiss criticism or advice because you find the person offering such advice to be flawed and you believe one who is flawed cannot be right, then perhaps there is little hope after all.  Just remember, the whore knows a lot about men by virtue of being a whore.

 

I've become very good at taking insults, being put down and accepting criticism, even when such criticism is not constructive.  I do not shame easily because I realized a long time ago that we all fall short at one point or another.  I've also learned that people tend to attack others, or lash out in general, when they feel threatened or insecure.  It's good to point out when someone has disappointed you or hurt your feelings, but communication is bilateral.  And if a person repeatedly fails to understand how they failed, if communication is constantly obstructed by ego, then perhaps it is best to move on, with confidence and without regret.

 

As they say, wisdom comes from age and experience.  Despite all the disappointment, I believe this past week has made me a little more wise.  At the very least, I know that sometimes, it takes negative circumstances or unfortunate events to remind you of how fortunate you really are.  Things could always be worse.  It definitely helps to have someone willing to stand by your side and support you, even if doing so requires conceding to others, being unfulfilled, or just getting the short end of the stick.  To love someone is to encourage and support their happiness, even when that happiness is not shared with you.  To be selfless is one of the most noble of all traits, which is why I don't know if I could ever truly express the full extent of my love and appreciation for Sean.

 

Fiat Lux!

Ozell