Tired....

Note:  This blog post was written more than four days ago.  For some reason it remained stuck in my "outbox" even after the other posts had been sent to the blog.  So do not think that I am unhappy at the moment.  I am in Rio and waiting for my friend Chris to arrive in 14 hours!....

 

 

 

I am getting tired of being unhappy and alone.  If you don't think that I am alone, then you indirectly stumbled upon one of the underlying causes of my unhappiness.  Don't worry, my melancholy passes once I am distracted again.  I was hoping it would just evaporate with time like all other previous periods of sadness I have had.  Those have been pretty rare experiences for me.  I can recall being sad for more than a day when I realized that some of my college roommates went ahead and got a place to live for the next year without me because I was incommunicado in North Carolina working at an internship, when I realized how unnecessarily mean I was to a fellow intern at the University of California Santa Barbara, when I was battling the recreation center staff and Dean at the University of Florida for what I considered unfair treatment, when I was close to losing my tuition assistance for grad school, and when my first roommate in San Diego and I were fighting every day.  That's about it.  I've been pretty content since then. 

 

I've had reoccurring periods of melancholy for about a year now.  I don't like that my dream trip is being affected by it.  I don't like that I can only talk to walls and myself.  Hence, why I am blogging about it.  For those of you who were recipients of my travel e-mails from my previous trips, you may have thought that I do not share nearly as much as myself and my thoughts on this blog as I did when I wrote my e-mails from Europe and New Zealand.  I think that would be a fair assessment.  I guess I was travelling alone then and had a smaller audience and don't want to expose myself as much to everyone who reads this blog.  The audience for this blog is much larger than my previous travel e-mail distribution list.  I was comfortable being pretty intimate with the people on my e-mail list because they were all good friends or people I knew well.  That isn't quite the same now.

 

During the last Skype phone call to my parents, my mother asked me if everything was okay.  She said that she felt that I might be down from the last time we had talked, and I presume she still intuitively could sense something was bothering me talking to me then.  You may want to call that Mother's intuition, and considering my mother really knows very little about me as an adult, I guess it could only be intuition.  She has knowledge of very few details of my daily life.  I wasn't particularly sad the day we were most recently talking so I sincerely replied to her inquiry that I was fine.  But after I got off the phone, I was simultaneously heartened and disappointed.  I thought it was nice that a person who does not really know much about me could sense some sort of underlying sadness and then express sincere concern and empathy for me.  I thought it was sad that it was coming from a person who really doesn't know me.  And that is not a criticism of her.  Nobody really knows me.  I tend to keep my thoughts to myself- at least the personal ones.  I spew out my political and religious opinions for all to read and hear even if you don't want to.  Hahahaha.  And those are the topics most people keep to themselves.  I guess I am just ass backwards. Lol

 

You may be saying to yourself, "Well, Ozell knows you."  That is true and false.  It is true that Ozell knows me probably more than anybody else currently.  He knows lots of factoids about me, my mannerisms and behaviors, my topical opinions, etc.  He is an astute observer.  He doesn't know a lot of the things which cannot be observed.  I don't talk to him either.  Some of my close friends will know a little bit about a particular personal thought or feeling I have because I have discussed it with them.  This happens when I reach a point when I finally want to talk to someone about a topic.  But this is rare and limited.  I do not have a regular "sounding board".  Why don't I talk to Ozell?  Well, that is complicated and personal so I am not going to talk about it with you!  hahahaha

 

My good friend Chris is meeting us shortly.  I am looking forward to that.  He may look like Vangough when he leaves if I talk his ear off.  Lol  See, I am still capable of laughing...  :)

 

Again, I feel a little better after writing.  I think I will go downtown today and walk around.

 

Cheers,

 

Sean